FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
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Where
can I find ACOA meetings in my area? I just got to this web site and I know nothing. Where do I start? Where can I find available therapists in my area? I am a webmaster how do I get listed on your site? I am trying to find one of Dr. Woititz's books that is out of print. Where can I go? What is a ,'Dry Drunk,' or Dry Drunk Syndrome? How
can I find one of several non English translations of Dr. Woititz's
books? How
do I contact the publisher? How can we market the books in International markets? How can I get someone who needs help to read one of Dr. Jans' books? Can a person die from Alcoholism? What is the best treatment for Alcoholism? Is there is a book that deals with healing the suppressed rage - accessing and healing it? I need help now. What can I do?
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I have noticed that I have many of the behaviors or characteristics of a ACOA even though my parents are not Alcoholic. How can this be? We have learned that dysfunctional family and individual behaviors are not necessarily rooted in active alcoholism. In fact, dysfunctional behaviors can continue long after the initial cause has passed. Sometimes generations. These behaviors can embed hide themselves as part of the greater culture. A crude example is the immense peer pressure for alcohol abuse in many universities. I just got to this web site and I know nothing. Where do I start? Welcome. The best place to start is by reading, "Adult Children of Alcoholic's" by Dr. Woititz. This New York Times best seller can be considered to be the primer for ACA's. Feel free to surf this site. The resources page has lots of great links that will help to answer your questions. If knowledge will set you free then you have an excellent start. The National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence has a Definition of Alcoholism Where can I find available therapists in my area? I am still working on this question. Be sure when you are interviewing therapists to ask if they have experience with ACOA's. You may want to contact your local chapter of the National Council of Alcoholism they might have some suggestions I am a webmaster how do I get listed on your site? This site has had a long standing policy of exchanging or setting up reciprocal links to other web sites. Send an e-mail with your site address and it will be reviewed for inclusion. Websites with very strong religious or commercial themes are rarely accepted for reciprocal links. This site exists to provide information for individuals struggling to make their lives work. For a reciprocal link your site must exhibit the same or similar value. I am trying to find one of Dr. Woititz's books that is out of print. Where can I go? Try this web site - Add All .com - They have an impressive book search engine. What is a ,'Dry Drunk,' or Dry Drunk Syndrome? How
can I find one of several non English translations of Dr. Woititz's
books? I would suggest you contact the publisher. Health Communications Inc. How can I get someone who needs help to read one of Dr. Jans' books? If you give someone you care about a self help book and they are not receptive you will most likely get a very negative reaction. This is not easy material especially for someone who has not been previously exposed or is sensitive to even a whiff of criticism.. My suggestion and this one has worked pretty well for a lot of folks over the years is to deliver a book anonymously. Slip it into an open car window or into a briefcase when nobody is looking. This way you will not be a target and they can read the book quietly on their own, without judgment. Ultimately the best way to help someone is to help yourself first. Strange but true. Can a person die from Alcoholism? Yes. The final hours of
Edgar Allen Poe describes how that can go. There is strong evidence that alcoholism has a genetic presence and that there is a predisposition within families. There is also strong evidence that Alcoholism is a learned behavior. As is usually the case with such questions the truth is probably a little of both and of course individual situations vary. Best bet if you are worried about yourself is a)do not drink or b) monitor your alcohol consumption What is the best treatment for Alcoholism? To date the best treatment is not to drink alcohol at all. Further more, the success that AA has had since its beginning, all over the world, shows that the benefits of a 12 step program or support group can be a great resource. I
am trying to gather statistics on ACOA for a paper that I am writing.
Can you send me anything to include in my paper? No. Feel free to go to the Resources page and start your research there. Is there is a book that deals with healing the suppressed rage - accessing and healing it? Excellent question. One I have been grappling with for years without a clear answer. There may indeed be a book on dealing with suppressed rage but I have not come across it yet. The information in the link below provides for some very compelling information on this topic. It is a little tough to get through the beginning but it makes a great deal of sense by looking at Anger and Depression from a Biological perspective with a specific emphasis on brain chemistry. Self help for misdirected anger, aggression, and violence is in the The Biology of Emotions Are there any books and/or resources you could recommend for the spouses or significant others of Adult Children of Alcoholics? Yes, I would suggest you read Adult Children of Alcoholic's so you can get an understanding of the issues that your loved one faces. COA's may be hard to love at times but they are among the best people in the world. Marriage on the Rocks is an excellent book as well about living with an Alcoholic. I am desperately trying to start an ACOA meeting in my area and was wondering if you could give me any pointers. Adult Children of Alcoholic's World Service Organization has an excellent resource for finding and running ACA groups I need help now. What can I do? If you live in the United States and maybe even if you don't within the first few pages of your local phone book is alist of phone numbers for various agencies and organizations that provide assistance to people in crises. Even if you do not find an exact match I urge you to call any of the numbers. The people who answer these phones tend to genuinely care and have access to other phone numbers and resources to direct you. Even if it is difficult and discouraging try not to give up until you get what you need. It is true the squeaky wheel gets the oil, meaning that the more unreasonable you are in getting your needs met the more likely they will be. If counseling is an option for you, try calling the National Council of Alcoholism and Drug Addiction in your area. They should be able to direct you to a therapist trained in addictions. I
can't find the workbook for "Life
Skills for Adult Children". Can you please point me in the
right direction? Try this link. "Life Skills for Adult Children" or Add All .com Where can I find ACOA meetings in my area? Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Meetings Alcoholism @ about.com - Formerly the Mining Company - About.com's Buddy T maintains a high quality web site providing information and links to online meetings and chat groups for ACA's. Mental Health Net - Mental Help Net is the most comprehensive source of online mental health information, news and resources. Another place to look for meetings is in the first few pages of your local phone book. There is a listing of emergency support numbers. Even if you cannot find a specific phone number the helpful people who answer the phones may be able to direct you. If you still cannot find a meeting you may want to consider starting one yourself. After all, if you are looking odds are good someone else in your community is looking as well. I would like to contact Dr. Woititz and the Institute for Counseling and Training can you please provide an e-mail address where I may contact her? Sadly, Dr. Woititz passed away a few years ago at a young age. As a result we have closed the Institute for Counseling and Training. On rare occasions an individual rises up whose very presence defines community and is a comfort and a pleasure to be around. Dr. Jan was and in a very real way continues to be one of those people. Yet, the earth still turns and the world continues. I suppose the need for quality therapists in Heaven takes precedence.
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Below is a small sampling of the e-mail we have received over the years.
I am Tlingit from Sitka Alaska. I work at an Alcohol Treatment Program called the Bill Brady Healing Center. It is a 35 day program in which we give a lecture on ACOA/Dysfunctional families. I am also a recovering alcoholic and acoa so your information is very important to me. I have been told that ACOA should not be addressed in a tx. program and that a person should not be introduced to this material until a person has begun to work on their issues for a year or two. At this program I noticed that some of our clients were repeaters and when we started sharing ACOA material, the clients were surprised to learn about their learned behaviors. I opened the ACOA e-mail because I will be doing a class in the morning and just wanted to show how big this information really was. I have been sitting here printing out as much information as I could get. We do have a video that you made which we show for homework if the person I am working with comes from an alcoholic home. Anyway I do have alot of questions, I just wanted to see if you will answer.....
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Dear Janet,
I have started to read your book
about Lifeskills for adult children and
I like the section on talking to other people. I have been looking for
something like this for awhile and I am glad to find it. I am looking
forward to meeting people for the first time in my life.
My Dad has not taught me much but I have managed to survive.
I wanted to know if you ever thought about writing another book similar
to this but without the AAA overtones? I think there are many 2nd and
3rd generation people that no longer have alcohol in their family lives
and still do not pass on the lifeskills to their children. As you say
the parents never taught them. Some of these people do not know any
better because there is no AAA crises in their lives to bring them back
to reality. Some of these people get turned off by the AAA overtones.
You may not be aware of this so I thought you may want to hear another
opinion. Please let me know what you think.
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I have come across your books and
I really think they'd help me but I
think I need them all. Help show me where to begin. My Dad is a
alcoholic still, yet I didn't know he was one until I was about 25. I'm
now 37. I myself tend to be just like my Dad in behaviors. I think I
might be developing a drinking pattern daily. I'm married 16 years and
we may have sexual intercourse about 2 times a year. I have developed
vaganismis about 9 years ago. I was told by a therapist that I have
experienced sexual abuse and until I view it that way I will still
struggle. I feel I was very promiscuous from a very early age. We
adopted 2 older kids in 1990 age 5 & 6 and I have been a angry monster
for years. I have controlled it to a point but it seems I'm always mad
if things don't go my way. I have good periods than I snap. I am a
Christian and that has helped me tremendously yet I feel I can never be
fixed of these serious problems and I feel my family would be better off
without me. Not suicide but letting go of them . These struggles of
anger I face have been with me even in childhood. My mom is very
codependent and my Dad is controlling but calmly. He never disciplined
us my Mom did. My Mom once told me that I got the worst of both of them,
Thank You for letting me write. Please let me know where to start.
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I am desperately trying to start
an ACOA meeting in my area and was
wondering if you could give me any pointers. I am a 32 year old female
who is just NOW realizing that I am soooo not crazy the things that I am
feeling now are directly linked to my childhood. I feel soooo
relieved!!!! My problem is, how can I help others if I don't totally
understand myself all that is going on.
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Hi,
My Father drinks day in and day out. I am in college now so it doesnt efffect
me as much. But this weekend I am home, and he had a drink in his had whn i
woke up in the morning. He was still drinking when I went in my room about
11pm. He loves to blame everything on me, all of his problems including my
mothers are always my fault. When i confront him, al lhe say is that im
selfish and that i never do anything wrong. My mother drink wine all
afternoon and takes her perscription pills on top of that. She is always
depressed and of course its my fault. I am 18 now and I finally realized what
has been going on all these years. Its not me! They both have a problem, but
they dont believe so. I can never bring it up or I just get screamed at, and
they tell my im out of my mind. When Im actually the only one in the right
state of mind. My dad doesnt drink every day, but he does dring a lot. Maybe
you can lead me into some sort of direction. I just dont know how to handle
it anymore. I feel like im the one starting to get depressed. Thank you for
taking your time to read this.
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Dr. Geringer-Woititz,
I am nearly finished with Marriage On The Rocks. Your book is a life line thrown
to me in the midst of an insanity storm! I have been in the human service field
for 10+ years. I know all the language. But I am still amazed how your book
makes me realize I'm not crazy! You have described us, and you have provided
validation for me. I'm OK and I'll be OK. I hope and pray he will be, but that
will have to be his choice. Thank you, thank you, thank you for a new understanding
into me, into him and even into his mother who was married to his alcoholic
father and raised children of an alcoholic (she never got this help, she still
suffers for it).
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At the end of my first session, my
counselor recommended that I do some reading about adult children of alcoholics.
So, I got online and purchased two of Dr. Woititz's books; Adult Children of
Alcoholics and Healthy Parenting.
I have only gotten through the first few sections of Adult Children and I don't
plan on finishing it. This book, in my opinion, is written in offensive and
irritating manner.
Dr. Woititz, you may be an expert, but you don't know me. I can't count how
many times you try to personalize your book by using sentences like, "I
know you" and writing in such generalities that every situation would apply
to one reader.
I understand with all of your readers you need to cover all bases because everyone's
experience is different. Some of your examples do apply to my life, but overall
they don't and your book is impossible to read.
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Now, shouldn't your page on the internet
carry the heading "The 13
Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics" instead of just "The
13
Characteristics of Adult Children" ?
Also, I need permission to reprint the 13 steps in the back of my book. How
do I get such a permission? What are the conditions?
Now, finally, to my question: Are
they any resources (books) on how to
be a friend/partner (especially friend) to a child of an alcoholic? If
not, will you please write one?
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Thank you so much for your help so
far, and for anything that you can do
to further it. I look at my children, and this stops with me.
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I should first warn you that I am new at this internet stuff, so I hope this
somehow reaches you. I saw this site as an opportunity to thank Dr. Janet
Woititz for her wonderful book ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS. It was very
insightful to a young adult of an alcoholic parent. It helped me to
understand who I am today. It also helped me realize why I am that person,
and why my family members are who they are. Thanks for all the continued
support.
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Dear Dr. Woititz,
I am writing to inform you of my extreme distaste for your list "13
Charicteristics of Adult Chidren of Alcohlics." I find it to be
extremely poor judgement to make a list and say that ACOA's ARE or DO
anything. Is it possible that in hindsight you might re-think your
wording to include the word 'may' or 'might?' When you say that any
given group of people HAVE any list of given characteristics and list
them in a book, it is like writing it in stone. You are implying
(whether you wanted to or not) that these are unchangable, negative
characteristics. This is the worst type of steryotyping. As a doctor
writing a self help book, you have a responsibility to your readers to
state that it is your OPINION that Adult Children of Alcoholice MAY be
inclined toward certian behaviors and characteristics, but that these
are not absoulte. I was given this book to read as a 13 year old and
was very disturbed and frightened. I assumed that I was doomed to fit
each and every one of these 13 (I'm sure the number has no implied
function?) characteristics. Next time you might consider consulting a
competent editor.
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I am struggling like mad to figure
out why I can never have a healthy
relationship in my seemingly normal life.
I was startled to find that I was
experiencing the same symptoms or
patterns of thought/behavior as those described in the book. However,
I am not a COA. I am extremely interested to find out if these
behaviors, etc., have crossovers from other childhood/parental
experiences besides alcohol abuse.
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Hope all is well and know that at
least one
person appreciates the existence of this site.
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About five months ago, I found "Hijos
Adultos DE Padres Alcoholicos" in
a supermarket. I bought all of eight copies for our groups here in
Leon, Guanajuato.
I retired and moved here seven years ago from the L A area. I´m very
envolved in AA, but I could not overlook the need for ACA. When I went
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"In 1986 I came across your first book. I was in my thirties. I could not
acknowledge that someone knew about my family life. I read and re-read your
book till it fell apart. Since,1986, I have worked to make a better me.
Not easy but I feel so much better and have a better life. I work each day
to improve myself. Thank you for pointing out better road signs to consider
and directions that lead to still waters."
